Aw, thank you, re: language! Let's see, I know my writing tends to skew towards the overly ornate (kind of like my overuse of commas!), which is just wrong for this setting, so I was deliberately trying to make my language tighter so as to be more in keeping with the futuristic terminology. I was also trying to play with the pacing - I could definitely have made it longer, but possibly not in the context of the story I was trying to tell! I may revisit this verse some day <3

Btw, thank you for giving me space to talk about the "process" - I do think this is one'a my better-written stories.